We all know that the expectations that we have for ourselves or for others are important. We know that cultures or families where people achieve great things are the environments in which expectations are high. It is for this same reason that parents work hard to get their kids into good schools; good schools have high expectations of their students.
Expectations are a leading reason why, for example, Protestant nations tend to outperform Catholic ones: Unlike Catholics, Protestant Christians typically believe that Good Works make a difference, that G-d expects more from them, and so they cannot resign themselves to their nature or nurture or whatever destiny G-d has in mind for them.
Judaism goes much further than this. We not only believe that what we do matters, we believe that it is only through our actions that the world can be saved. Smokey the Bear might have believed (erroneously, by the way) that only YOU can prevent forest fires. But Jews are told that we can bring the Messiah! And while we have not managed it yet, that does not keep us from trying.
Achievement can be a bit like horseshoes and hand grenades: even if you fall short of total world salvation, making the effort can still score points.
But we also know that we cannot do much of anything by ourselves. Even the greatest leaders and innovators and captains of industry have needed people on their team. And they have also needed emotional and moral support from a parent or spouse or mentor. Maybe not much, maybe not from a lot of people, but always from somewhere. That kind of support is also a form of high expectations: we rise toward what other people expect to see.
We spoke on Rosh Hashanah about the opportunity to orient souls toward their source, with Hashem in Shamayim, to get our bearings before embarking on this spiritual journey.
Yom Kippur is the next stage in this development, because it is our opportunity to create a strong connection, to recharge our souls and recalibrate our expectations more along the lines of what G-d has in mind.
This is at the core of the Psalm we say this month: “To Sit in the House of the Lord.” The Lord’s house, of course, is the Beis Hamikdash, the Temple. And the only person who can sit in the Lord’s House is the King. This was David’s prayer to G-d: “Let me become King, AND build G-d’s House.” That was one heck of an ambition for a person who was, at that point in his life, a fugitive youth, on the run.
David knew that, with G-d at his side, anything could be achieved. And he knew, also, that G-d had high expectations of him. If you are raised in an environment where you believe that G-d expects the world from you, then it is like being the child of Asian immigrants: you will work hard to not disappoint your parents.
I make the claim that Yom Kippur is the opportunity to recharge our souls through the divine connection. This claim can be supported in the Torah.
First off, we say, almost endlessly during Selichos over the past 2 weeks, the 13 Attributes of Mercy. These appear in the Torah in Shmos 34:6–7, and in abbreviated form in Parshas Shelach (N. 14:17-18). And when do we ask for G-d’s mercy? The first time after we sinned as a nation with the Egel, and the second time after we sinned with the spies. What do these have in common? We fell short of G-d’s expectations of us! Specifically, we lost our belief that G-d would be with us through thick and thin, and that we could achieve anything if we could only conquer fear.
In Judaism, sin does not come from having too much ambition, but by being afraid that, even with G-d’s help, we are incapable of greatness. We sin after we lose our nerve.
The cure for these sins that we deploy in this season are the 13 attributes of mercy. They are given to Moses, as you may recall, when Moshe is closer to G-d than at any other time, “seeing G-d’s back.” Yom Kippur is also a time of close proximity to G-d, a time during which we have a very special and living column of energy, a ladder of angels going up and down between our souls and their source.
But 13 means a lot more than just the attributes of mercy, the ways in which G-d can allow us to move on from our failures and shortcomings. Because the number 13 is itself all about the connection that our souls can have with Hashem.
13 is the number of times the word nesheq, kiss, is found in the Torah. (By the way, almost all of the kisses in the Torah are between men.) A kiss is a connection, and through the primary channel for our breath.
Every kiss in the Torah involves at least one person who has a conscious connection to G-d. This makes sense, because our souls were “blown in” by G-d – so our breath, the breath of life, is both a physical analog for our souls, but also the spiritual analog for the creative or destructive power that we unleash through our words and songs. That breath, reflecting our souls, is our common connection to G-d.
13 is also the age at which Ishmael forms a connection through his circumcision. We offer 13 bulls on the first day of Sukkos, the first Yomtov following the spiritual connection of Yom Kippur. Sukkos is the holiday described the most as the holiday of “simcha” – of unification and connection.
We can go even further. I usually avoid Gematria, but this works too well: thirteen is the numerical value for “Avi” my father. The Torah repeatedly refers to the relationship as (among others) between a father and his son or children. And on Yom Kippur we repeatedly refer to Avinu Malkeinu, Our Father our King.
13 is also the gematria for ahavah, love, as well as for echad, “one” or “unity.” And what is the unity? The very same covenant between the Jewish people and Hashem that happens to Ishmael at the age of 13.
The overall message is simple, and powerful: Every time we invoke the 13 Attributes of Mercy, we are reconnecting our souls to their source, re-unifying man and G-d through unity and love. Parents, love, unity, mercy and kisses … all 13s and all core to Yom Kippur.
I think this might help explain why, for many Jews, Yom Kippur is truly a Yomtov, full of joy and delight. Getting closer to Hashem is well worth the cost in hunger and deprivation.
Remember that the 13 Attributes of Mercy are given after the Egel and the Meraglim, the Golden Calf and the Spies. We repent not for the sins specifically but for the root causes of those sins: losing the fundamental understand that G-d is with us, and that as a consequence, we should never feel alone, abandoned, or weak.
As long as we are with G-d as well, we must reject fearing that we are inadequate. Instead, we must recharge our souls with that divine energy, and conclude that we can not only achieve anything, but that we must try to do so. The only we disappoint G-d is if we lose our courage.
Because that is the goal of each of our lives: we first admit our faults and shortcomings, and then we must agree that we need to move on, seek to grow, and recalibrate our ambitions to dream of deeper and stronger and more consequential relationship with Hashem.
If proximity to earthly parents with high expectations leads to better lives, then how much better will our connection with G-d be, on this day where we recharge our souls and recalibrate our expectations of ourselves?
When a person realizes that we are loved, then we are empowered by that faith. And people who are divinely empowered can do things that are beyond the reach of mere mortals.
Hashem expects no less of us.