Over a decade ago, a lovely old lady who lived down the block from us complimented my #1 son on his hat, explaining that, “a man isn’t fully dressed without a hat; it brings together his entire appearance.”
In this case, that briefest of comment landed on target, forever changing my son’s life. Because to this day, #1 son thinks of that lovely lady every time he leaves the house, and remembers to snag one of his cowboy hats. He remembers that Mrs. Brilliant (her real name) told him that this is how a man comports himself, and she was not the sort of lady one would ever want to disappoint.
Mrs. Brilliant passed away last week, at the full age of 98. She had experienced separation from her parents at 4, the kindertransport to Wales at 8, immigrating to America at 17, marriage at 40 (with two children who followed), and a lifetime of familial and communal dedication and service. When anyone needed someone to step in and help, she was there.
Indeed, her smile and words lifted everyone up, all the time. Mrs. Brilliant was the very embodiment of how seemingly little things become the glue and then the foundation for all the really important big things.
And, perhaps thanks to the combination of a German and British upbringing, she advocated for all things to be done in the right way, with a sense of ongoing duty and propriety. Even wearing a hat in public. She invariably would ask her children and grandchildren “whether that sort of thing would be acceptable in Buckingham Palace?”
I remember going to a funeral of another long-lived matriarch. Her granddaughters stood up and gave their impressions. They told of a woman who insisted that condiments should never be served at the table in the original packaging. The young ladies found this all vaguely preposterous. And it was a shame that they did not realize that their grandmother had been highly accomplished, serving on boards and as a trustee for many important charitable and communal organizations. All the children noticed was that ketchup bottles did not go on the dinner table.
So on the one hand, I despaired that the granddaughters missed the bigger story. But on the other hand, it could well be that making meals into formal rituals contains within it something very much like wearing a hat: the little things all add up. The distinctions we create and preserve in our lives are markers of civilization itself.
The forces of darkness work to blur all of that away. Formal dinners are on the wane. Dressing and comporting ourselves properly is something we think of when we think of our parents and grandparents. Because today we see people on airplanes or at meetings wearing pajamas. We have a world in which boys and girls are indistinguishable, where marriage no longer is holy, where love is explained away as being nothing more than a biochemical artifact.
Indeed, a key part of being “progressive” in the modern age is the desire – the need – to blur all the lines. To eliminate all senses of propriety. And to attack all formalized religions.
Because one of the things that old and stodgy religions – as well as wise matriarchs– understand, is that decorum and being in the right place at the right time are deeply important. In courtrooms you must dress and act in accordance with a code. The same is true in a house of worship or as a guest in someone else’s house. Like wearing a hat or not dispensing ketchup from the bottle.
Judaism and Christianity, underpinning the Western Civilization that is so loathed by the left, require different rules for different places and times. This is not imposed ritual by old white men. It is as old as the texts itself. To bring but one example:
These are the laws and rules that you must carefully observe in the land that the Lord, G-d of your ancestors, is giving you to possess, as long as you live on earth. You must destroy all the sites at which the nations you are to dispossess worshiped their gods, whether on lofty mountains and on hills or under any luxuriant tree. Tear down their altars, smash their pillars, put their sacred posts to the fire, and cut down the images of their gods, obliterating their name from that site. (D. 12)
But note that Jews are NOT commanded to tear down the “holy” sites of paganism anywhere except within the Land of Israel! This is quite deliberate. There is a place for those who think differently – and the Torah does not condemn those people or their practices. All it does is say that these practises do not belong in our holy land.
This approach allows for both toleration and principle. It creates the conditions for diversity of thought without abandoning one’s own principles. This is essentially America in its heyday – a place where all are free to worship as they see fit, with nobody possessing the right to attack or burn or condemn the religious choices of others. It is also clearly an ideal that is very much on the defensive in an age where religion is seen as the enemy of progress.
It all comes full circle. Dressing and speaking like a gentleman or lady is a choice we make when we create our own environments. It does not mean that we force our choices on others, but that we recognize that being good and holy – or happy – are not the result of a single Big Decision; they are the result of a lifetime of little choices, of always trying to consciously better ourselves, be nice to others, and never ignoring the little things.
Mrs. Brilliant would have it no other way.